16 Dec The Power of Vulnerability – I don’t matter therefore I don’t trust you
Today I was in a relatively dark place. Why? Well I could say that it was due to a bad night sleep, however this was only the catalyst of the process.
The reason why I share this with you is that I feel that embracing my dark sides and to make contact with my pain will heal me and thereby the world I live in… Next to that I feel that having the courage to share this will accelerate my process. So, on with the story…
This morning I felt restless, a feeling that I don’t like because it indicates that I am stressed. And stress is something that I wish to avoid. This of course only increases the feeling of restlessness. My standard reaction to stress is to attack it head on. I need to regain control of the situation and myself by finding a solution as soon as possible.
However, I don’t like this part of myself either. Therefore, I deliberately chose to stay with the uncomfortable feeling today… To make contact with that part of myself that I was about to run away from… Why? Because in order to be whole we need to embrace both sides. The Good and the Bad. The Yin & the Yang. The Love & the Pain…
So there I was sitting in my own dark place, paradoxically in the bright sun, and trying to make contact with the pain. The “NO” that was causing this feeling.
My initial restlessness was caused by financial concerns. As mentioned in my previous post I decided to let my online business be for what it is and invest all my energy into coaching & training. I am confident that this will be a success (thanks to the feedback we have received in the last year), however it still needs to (financially) materialize. In 90% of the time it is just sheer excitement of what is about to happen with Zenerife, however when not top fit (for instance after a night of less sleep) my demons creep in through the back door… And this happens in my mind as a consequence:
Although I pretend to take ownership whenever there is an issue and solve it myself the truth is that I often start to blame others for the situation at hand. This blaming makes me a victim and puts me in a rather reactive mindset instead of a proactive mindset. As a consequence I felt:
My mind started to justify the blaming by coming up with many examples in which people had promised me certain things and did not (at least in my opinion) live up to these promises. As this did not make me feel any better either my now even more agitated mind decided to try another strategy to numb the pain…
Hello ‘homo universalis’ again! Instead of looking at the pain beneath that disappointment my mind started to come up with reasons why these people had not delivered upon their promises. “They were probably busy” and maybe even noble and very harmonious. However, actually here my ego was saying “they can’t manage their priorities properly”, choosing the Topdog position (being right) and placing the others in a underdog (being wrong) position. By choosing this position of inequality I lose connection with that person.
Unfortunately I ran this process of: blaming (feeling victimized), thereafter feeling disappointed and finally ‘being superior’ on several persons.
In this process I start to lose my compassion for these people just because I am not able to make contact with my pain. Something that is necessary in order to transcend this pain.
The pain that I was trying to run away from today
Ok, so what were my insights? Well, one of the pains that I carry deep within is that I don’t trust other people to be there for me when I would need them. It seems that on a deeper level I don’t trust other people… And this hurts… Because I would like to trust. However, I seem to be looking for proof that people should not to be trusted. That’s why I become extremely result oriented when I feel stressed, because I need to solve it myself, can’t trust others to save me.. Especially when I am in a dark place…
Probably on an even deeper level this is the core negative belief my ego carries. It basically says: I don’t matter And this hurts too… However, my spiritual teachers all say that we need to embrace this dark side (that we all have) of ourselves as well in order to experience our wholeness. To experience we are already good enough, the good AND the bad…
Through practice (just as I did this morning) I am slowly getting better at making contact with my pain. Observe it in order to make peace with it. I can say it is actually working. It’s a slow & tough process, especially because my mind keeps trying to run away from it. However, in my opinion it is definitely worth it…
Don’t run away, face my fears, embrace my pain. Don’t feel ashamed or guilty about those feelings and pain… Connect with others by sharing instead of disconnecting with others by blaming, victimization or superiority.
Let’s see whether my morning coffee tomorrow morning will be in a lighter place than today! **
PS Comments are appreciated in order to connect!
** Yes it was! Or was it just that good night sleep that caused it? 🙂